Exploding Window of Tolerance

I was introduced to the concept of a "Window of Tolerance" at a training in Colorado that helped missionaries re-enter life in the United States after living abroad and doing ministry. This visual helped me tremendously as I tried to understand what was happening to myself and my family as we transitioned after almost five years of living in the Dominican Republic. Basically, when we are inside of our window of tolerance, life feels manageable, there aren't very many outlier events or stressors and we can tolerate everyday stress and strain and for the most part we are coping with our situation. When something happens like the loss of a job, the loss of a loved one, a divorce, financial strain, a global pandemic, racial injustice, or any other major event in our life, we are moved outside of our window of tolerance and we start to feel this strain as it impairs our mental, emotional or physical states. We can usually handle a few things being outside of this window, but when a significant number of events are outside of this window, we can feel very disoriented.

I feel very disoriented. There has been a major disruption to our everyday life. In the midst of the pandemic and racial injustice and a quickly changing environment that is unpredictable and difficult to navigate, we physically do not have a permanent home. All of our routines have shifted or are now non-existent. My husband and I thrive on routines. Even when our children were newborns we tirelessly wrote down the schedule of our babies to try to figure out their routines. Did they eat every two or three hours? Did they always take three naps? If we could figure out their unpredictable patterns, then we could feel in control of a very out of control time in our lives. Also, we read books that promised us our screaming newborns would sleep if we found their routine and kept to it, so we listened. Now I think we should have relaxed more, but all of that to say that we found comfort and a certain amount of safety and even sanity in a predictable schedule. I think that we need predictable schedules.

I like to say that I like "planned spontaneity". I am both a free-spirited individual and also an organized and efficient individual. You may think that is impossible, but it's true. That's difficult right now though because while our lives are all over the place and we are physically all over the place, I am trying to have some routine and predictability. I feel out of control of my space, my routine and also with what is happening in the world. I would like to stand up for those who are oppressed and those who are mistreated and I would like to peacefully protest, but I also can't figure out how to just live our day to day life. These little things are keeping me from seeing the big picture sometimes and because I am so far out of my window of tolerance, I can't even think about other people and how to help those who are hurting in the world right now.

But, I am going to end with what I can do because I am a positive person and although I think it is good and healthy to acknowledge the hard in life, I also don't want to remain there. What I can do is continue to serve my children and my family and figure out our crazy lives and have some semblance of predictability and stability. I can also love my neighbors and those around me. I can pray for those who are hurting and oppressed. I can also give myself grace that I am doing my best and that is all that I can do right now. Maybe you are going through some stuff too, I feel like you probably are because life is messy and hard, but I hope that somehow you are encouraged. I hope that you are able to give yourself grace to and recognize that you are doing your best. Yes, you might be WAY out of your window of tolerance, maybe yours has exploded too, but look, you are still alive and you are making it. That's how I feel. Somehow there is a deeper resilience growing in me and I think it's growing in you too. This really is making us stronger individuals and families and we will get through these hard times.